5 Must Have Convos for Before Baby Comes
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Having a baby is always a shock to the system - this huge event shakes the foundation and reshuffles the deck. But as postpartum centric doulas, who regularly plan with clients prenatally, we know that opening dialogues before the main event pays large dividends. Whether it be releasing fears before labor begins, or practically planning so that you can truly rest and relax as a family, having these 5 conversations (preferably, with your lovely doula to support you!) will help you establish your needs and goals for this huge transition. If you are not partnered, even more important to call in a friend, doula, family member and have these conversations in a productive way to empower your journey and set you up for support and success.
Postpartum Bodies.
What do you know about postpartum bodies? Do you have information on bleeding? Healing tools? What are your fears here? If one parent plans to lactate and body feed, do you feel equipped with knowledge around that? How will you share the load in other ways? In every study on perinatal health and infant feeding, the rate of ‘success’ is directly proportional to the involvement and level of the partner or support people. Non birthing partners need to learn about sitz baths, mesh undies and iron levels too.
Love Language.
In a coupling, you may each have a different answer. Try taking the 5 Love Languages quiz if you feel stuck here. The purpose of the conversation is to make space for each person to be seen in their needs and the way their needs can be met in a way that truly FEELS good. The birthing and healing person’s needs will need to be centered in the immediate weeks for obvious reasons, but this exercise will benefit both partners over time. Anyone who is supporting your family, be it a doula or an Auntie, can be served by understanding how you like to be cared for.
Rings of Support.
Who is on your team? Do you have a neighborhood full of folks that would love to be on your phone tree/meal train/emergency contact list? Not everyone has to feel like your bestie to be counted - never underestimate the value in a neighbor who would help you if you were locked out! (Sending a winking emoji to my upstairs neighbor and my tride and true deli guys. 😉) What about parents at your older child’s school who would happily wait with them if you were late one day? Or better yet, drive them or walk them home so you could stay sleeping with the baby. Writing down the names of people who can show up, even in the most basic and practical senses will help you feel less alone. Ask people directly “Can I put you on my list of rings of support? I am wondering if you might be willing to pick something up for me if I needed it?” Most people love to be helpful. Of course you will also want to include close emotional rings, family and doula support where applicable.
Household Needs.
What or who makes your home function? Will these systems be disrupted? Most likely, yes. If the person birthing the baby is the one who remembers “all the little things” that make life possible - these things need to be written out and disseminated elsewhere. If you haven’t read about the concept of emotional labor yet please do. Not only should people healing from birth not be bending to empty dryers or standing prepping meals, they also shouldn’t be responsible for remembering upcoming birthdays or what day the compost gets picked up. Postpartum people need the physical AND mental opportunity to put everything that isn’t the baby down. As people that have supported hundreds of families to welcome new babies, this is the number one issue that creates tension. Using the transformational window of a new baby’s arrival to create more equity in your relationship (birthing, healing, feeding is WORK!) will be the best thing you could ever do for your long term happiness. Seriously.
Sex.
Humans need touch. Humans need care. Most people are terrified of what a new baby will do to their sex life. And most people struggle immensely in this time period to stay connected to anything that feels like adult intimacy. We believe postpartum people and their partners can have sex… if we detangle the word sex from the hetero-normative porno association where sex must include orgasms and penetration (and usually centering the arousal trajectory of a penis). Sex is a foot rub. Sex is a warm cup of your morning beverage made exactly how you like it. Sex is a long naked cuddle because grown ups need skin to skin too. How are you at tethering to intimacy outside of narrow performative definitions? How might the experience of birth impact the birthing parent’s relationship with their genitals? How could the nurturance of the postpartum period redefine the concept of sex for your relationship in a way that benefits your connection for years to come? Again, TRUST US - the folks who center connection and intimacy through the postpartum period end up feeling ready for the frisky stuff sooner anyway.
We get it, these are big conversations. That is why, we walk you through them during our signature class “What’s Next?! a Prenatal Postpartum Planning Class.” If you’re looking to learn more click HERE to join us.